Treatment, Therapy – Session 2

I almost didn’t go. About 30 minutes before my appointment I found myself texting my best friend saying ‘I don’t want to do this’. Don’t misunderstand me – I want to recover, I want to be rid of an eating disorder, but I did not want to attend a therapy session in order to do so. It had been a long week and by 14:00 on a Friday I just didn’t know how to do it. I told myself to get in the car and drive to the location. Just that one step was all that had to be considered initially – no commitment to enter had to be made until I was there. One step at a time, just like treatment. Once I pulled up and put the handbrake on I realised I was 10 minutes early. I called my GP surgery and made an appointment with the nurse for my first weigh-in and blood-check. Once this was done I left the car, locked it behind me and entered the hospital’s reception; I didn’t give myself a moment to think about it.

I didn’t wait long before the therapist came to get me. She was familiar to me this time, which settled my anxiety a little. She gave me the encouraging smile I am becoming accustomed to and I followed her into the same room we were in last time. Once more she had anticipated my general body-temperature situation and told me that she had put on the little electric radiator in advance. It was colder – we have been experiencing a fair amount of snow – so I was grateful and found myself almost nestling against the heater (well, as much as the large armchair would allow). She asked me how I had been and wished me a happy birthday as I had turned one year older on the Tuesday (a day that for once I had not been looking forward to and passed quite generically). I realised that despite my worries about these sessions and the recovery process, I was actually quite comfortable with her despite it only being our second session – this would make things easier I hoped.

 

Whereas last time the session was primarily spent giving her the background to my disorder – the weighing, the exercise, the mindset – this time she suggested that it was important to get to know me as a person, or, more specifically, what had made me ‘me’. This made sense. There are a multitude of reasons one might suffer from an eating disorder – some more simple than others I am sure. I suppose that only by ascertaining potential causes and triggers can an eating disorder and its mental impact be undone. I think for most, the reasons behind development of an eating disorder will be multi-faceted. Once behaviours and beliefs become ingrained, it becomes evermore difficult to alter, which is why eating disorder treatment can seem like a bit of a race against a clock. They say the longer one suffers, the harder it is to expect a full recovery.

As such, I understood why this session was going to be spent discussing my pre-disorder past. We went right back to the beginning – my birth in actual fact. From then, I spoke with little pause for the best part of an hour. If you were asked to summarise your life thus far in the space of one hour, could you do it? What would you focus on? What would be the key factors to note? She asked me which people had the largest influences in my life when I was a young child. I spoke of my mum, my dad and my sister of course, but discussed how much of the childcare was performed by my two nans. Both my mum and my dad’s mothers would look after my sister and I whilst our parents were at work; we were very lucky to have had family members that could do so. Many of my youngest memories are associated with them, but I actually have very few ‘young’ memories to be honest. My earliest is on my mum’s dad passing away when I was very young, and then they are sporadic until the age of 6 or 7. Consequently, I told the therapist what I knew – I spoke briefly of my parents’ divorce, the passing of my dad’s mum, my dad remarrying, my mum’s relationships, etc. I described how my sister and I were lucky in being able to have a relationship with both parents despite their separation, but that this meant living 50% of the time with one of them and the other 50% with the other. I explained how my sister was the ‘constant’, because whether we were on dad’s half of the week or mum’s half of the week, my sister was always present. I described how this set up had stopped when mum became ill when I was 14 – her alcoholism resulted in her passing away in the October, which meant me moving in with my dad full-time for the first time ever. We spoke about the last few months of my mum’s life and touched on my relationship with her in general. Overall as a child, I had a good relationship with both of my parents, but I admitted to being closer to mum than to my dad when I was little. This didn’t last and actually, I said that my relationship with mum severely deteriorated during the last 18 months or so of her life. I said that I realised with hindsight that being more of a ‘mummy’s girl’ was probably because even at a young age I felt as though she needed me more – she was highly dependent upon both my sister and me. She loved us infinitely, I believe that, but she had so many internal battles.

 

This 2^nd session was 2 days ago now, but I realise that throughout that one hour I must have used the word ‘hindsight’ maybe 10 times. The more I spoke the more I realised how much my feelings about certain situations that occurred have changed since the situation actually arose. I spoke about how I was so angry with mum after she passed away, but there was no anger present for me anymore. I spoke about when I first came to the realisation that she was an alcoholic, despite the fact that hindsight now allows me to see that it was clear as day for years before that point. On and on I went describing the most memorable moments and the events that seemed most relevant – I discussed how I felt at the time versus looking back now. ‘Hindsight’ became a damn mantra.

 

I don’t know if I did it justice, my life, in just one hour. To be honest, we only really reached the age of 14. I spoke little about secondary school, college or university. The therapist sat patiently and listened throughout what can only be described as my ‘monologue’. She passed few comments, merely allowing me to speak and asking the occasional question when she wanted further information. She said that losing mum and the events around her death must have been difficult at that age. I acknowledged that it was, but it’s not as though there is ever a good time to lose a parent; especially one with which you have a more complicated relationship. Nonetheless, I made it clear that I knew that overall I was fortunate growing up – whilst there were circumstances that were less than ideal, I had two parents that loved me, my sister, a very good education that I valued hugely, I had a home (2 during my childhood due to the 50:50 timeshare), etc. Yes, there were things that shouldn’t have happened, but overall, we had the important things that many would kill for. I know that each person is built on a foundation of their experiences and various influences; however, I don’t think that anyone is a victim of circumstance – there will always be people with more than you, just as there will be others with less. You just need to do the best you can with what you have. It took me a long time to figure that out and I am definitely guilty of thinking otherwise when I was younger. I know that getting me to discuss my past is not therapy’s way of finding something to blame for my disorder, it is merely trying to understand the modes behind my mechanisms and belief systems.

Toward the end of the session she asked me to focus on the present and to discuss what relationships were most important to me now. She said that if I am going to fight this thing, it’s going to take an army… so who am I equipping? I discussed how overall everyone I had spoken to about it had been very supportive, with only a few exceptions. Some people are more willing to join the fight than others, but I definitely have some strong contenders on my side… I discussed how understanding my partner had been – living with someone with anorexia cannot always be easy – and how we were always a team, no matter what. I explained that despite being closer to my mum as a child, my dad and I had grown far closer over the years and that our relationship continued to go from strength-to-strength and that I really couldn’t wish for more. Both my dad and my sister have been incredible since I began opening up to them about anorexia back in April – supportive and patient, they are there for me despite the distance of ~380 miles. Since I am no longer putting up a wall of denial, we have resumed real relationships again and it is a breath of fresh air in an otherwise crappy situation. My partner’s parents have been instrumental – once more, I feel as though we have grown closer as a result of having to deal with this situation together and I’m more grateful than I can express. Then there are a couple of friends – I spoke about my best girlfriend from Uni who is lovely, encouraging and always there for me, as I am for her. I also discussed my other best friend; a kind, spirited man whose friendship I value enormously.

I am lucky to have people that I can draft into my army. Given that she used the term ‘army’ and described the situation like a battle, I told the therapist how I too liked dealing with analogies when it came to the eating disorder – this seemed to please her! She said that therapy treatment would probably be a mix of discussing the past, the present and the realities of the disorder. I knew that this meant some sessions would be easier than others. At the end of the session I felt similar to how I did when leaving my final exams at the end of my degree – like my brain had been on overdrive, but because I had told the ‘story’ before, it was almost as though I’d been on autopilot for an hour. I was certainly ready to go home and switch off for the night (if I could battle through the 3 inches of snow that had fallen during the session). I know the hard work in relation to ‘treatment’ and ‘recovery’ hasn’t commenced yet… we’re just laying the groundwork – how can a professional treat someone they don’t know?

 

I still don’t quite know what to expect moving forward, but as the days pass I become increasingly frustrated with this situation and must use that as motivation to change it. I don’t know which aspects of treatment will lend themselves to recovery most efficiently; I suppose a multi-faceted problem needs a multi-faceted approach to solve it. As such, I am entering my initial appointment with the dietician next week with no preconceived notions. At this stage I almost feel as though I must give myself entirely over to the process, trust that they know what they are doing and that it will lead to the results I want. At the very least, I made it to the 2^nd appointment and have made plans to continue – that is a win. I was also able to focus on the best bits about my life at the moment – the people in it – which can be difficult to do when you are suffering from an eating disorder. It makes you realise who is truly important and on what/whom to focus.

To any other sufferers – build your army. This is why communication about mental health is SO important, because having people on your side can make a huge difference. Hell, I’ll join your army if it’s looking a little thin on the ground! You don’t have to do this alone; I’d strongly advice against trying to do so. Chances are you have a whole bunch of people desperate to support you – let them. If approaching family and friends doesn’t seem like an option for whatever reason, remember that there are specialist services all over, GPs and I am only an email away if talking to a stranger doesn’t seem too bizarre.

Until next time, CBM x